I’ve wrestled with a lot lately and this same-sex marriage debate has brought up a lot of past feelings and memories. How tempting it has been to let those thoughts take over and how difficult it has been to not give in to my desires. But I have one Desire in my life these days that always comes first. As much I want to go back, I can’t…no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I should. I pray for wisdom and for the power of His Spirit to guide me and direct me…and He always comes through.
Many of my gay friends think I’m a crazy closet-case who’s afraid and many of my straight friends simply don’t understand what goes on inside of my head and it’s probably going to be this way for the rest of my life.
My life is not my own anymore. Christ gets me, He understands me, He feels my pain, my hurt, my loneliness, my guilt, my struggle. He knows every thought that I can’t express with words and He holds my hand when I attempt to walk on a tightrope. He saved me and He continues to save me every single day.
I’m not gay…I’m a child of God. A child who desperately needs His Father.
I am washed, I am sanctified, I am justified in the name of Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of my Father. I’m loved unconditionally. I’m His…a sinner, yet saved.
I posted the above statement on Facebook a couple of days ago and the response has been overwhelming. I’ve received public messages of love and support from brothers and sisters and private messages…some with sincere questions and others with sincere contempt. It’s all a part of the life of a believer.
The world around me is changing. With gay marriage rights on the horizon and more members of the LGBT community gaining the confidence to step out into the public eye, I’m faced with a dilemma. When I lived my life as an active homosexual, I longed for the day when I would see this type of change. To be able to wave the flag of equality while holding the hand of a husband seemed an impossible dream. Now it’s a possible reality.
Ironically, the dream I once desired to be realized is now within my reach and I must deny it. I must deny myself and pick up my cross, as the Savior says. I’m always reminded of what a wise mentor told me about suffering: As Christians, we will suffer. Everyone suffers, but there is a distinct difference between the suffering of one who is a believer and the one who does not believe. Christians suffer…but we suffer with hope. We have the ability to reach out to our Savior and ask Him to use our suffering in a way that reaches out to others. We can minister to others through our suffering. Our suffering becomes a blessing.
As a child of God, you will suffer…but how well will you suffer?
I find it to be incredibly beautiful that a week such as this will be concluded by Resurrection Day. He lives.